What if?
by HieiGod064
Summary: if if Ed did make the phlosipher's stone when he was in lab 5? FUNNY!PLEASE REVIEW
1. Chapter 1

What if?

Disclaimer:Hieigod064 does not own any full metal alchemist related titles, characters or ideas. And I apologize in advance if I misspell any terms or word in general.

Setting: the setting takes place in the episode where Ed and Al go to lab 5 the part where Ed is about to make the philosophers stone, and in he real series can't do it.

Al: NO BROTHER, DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT!

Ed: Al, I promised you I would get your body back to normal, and right now I don't care how I do it, and there doesn't seem to be any other way… (touches the transmutation circle)

(big flash of light and the sound of something being transmuted)

Lust: yes… finally the philosophers stone!

Al: NOOOOOOOOO!

(the light fades and the blood red philosophers stone sit in the center of the transmutation circle)

Envy: now boy! Change us back… NOW!

Ed: (starts bawling) I…. I cant believe I did-

Lust: well you did… so you might as well us the stone.

Ed: how could I! By using that thing I'll be reminded this moment, I just killed all those people!

Al: (in a whimpering voice) brother..

Envy: good grief! Lust can we use the #$& thing yet?

Lust: (sigh) I would have hoped that it wouldn't have came to this…

(Lust, Gluttony, and Envy all put dark sunglasses)

Ed: wait what are you guys doing!

Lust: (pulls out the flashy-thingy form men in black) just be still… (uses flashy thing on the two brothers, then the three homunculi take off their sunglasses at the same time)

Ed: what- what just happened where am I?

Lust: why ed you just found the philosophers stone? don't you remember?

Ed: (looks at Al, who is also dazed and confused) then what happened to Al? (the homunculi took off his arms and legs)

Lust: oh him, out of excitement tripped on a stick of dynamite

Ed: okayyyy….

Envy: now do us a favor and turn us human…

Ed: excuse m-

----ZAP---- (MIB thingy)

Ed: whoa! What happened to al

Lust: oh him? He fell asleep in a crop harvester…

Ed: really? Is that true Al?

Al: (still a tad dazed) um.. I guess so…

Lust: look, in a nutshell, we're… um… robots…right robots… so now that you have the philosophers stone could you turn us into humans?

Ed: 0-0''' uhh… shurrre… (transmutes the three homoguli)

Gluttony: (who is now a plumper cousin of the monopoly mascot with an English accent) My I say boy, you did a bang-up job returning me to normal, I say being that moron was a definite pain in my side. (waddles away)

Envy: (who is now a preppy thirteen-year-old cheerleader) woo-hoo! Were human again! Yayyyyyyy!

Lust: (who IS scar's brother's girlfriend, only she's normal clothes) 00 envy I thought that you were a GUY!

Envy: I'm a CROSSDRESSER! YAYYYYY!

(authors note: envy super-fans, please don't review this fic to give me grief about the part above…)

Ed: 00 wow..

Al: brother! Now that we have the stone we can get our bodies ba-

Armstrong: (bursting through the wall) FRET NOT EDWARD ELRIC! The art of bursting through solid objects has been a technique passed down through the Armstrong line for GENERATIONS!

Ed: why?

Armstrong: (thinks for a second)…. I actually have no idea, it's the only time I've had to use it….

Al: Major! We found the stone!

Armstrong: (gives a dramatic thumbs-up while crying uncontrollably)

Ed: right… first things first! Al! here we go! (transmutes Al)

Al: ed…. (sob)

Ed: al…..(sob)

Armstrong: such a touching reunion between two brothers now that-

Ed: would you just SHUT UP already! man…

Armstrong: just one thing.. (whips out a big meter-stick and puts it next to Ed) "4,7" (puts big meter stick next to Al) "4,10"…….

Ed: are you f-

prolonged swearing spasms

Ed (who's entire body is smoking) gasp….gasp…..

Al: um… brother maybe we should get some rest.. Besides you can pester Mustang in the morning!

Ed: you're right… let's hit the sack…(sigh)

the next day in mustang's office

Mustang: well fullmetal I here you found the philosophers stone the other night.. But before you do anything I just want to warn you that anything you found in lab 5 couldn't possib-

Ed: (tucks down his right sleeve to reveal a normal human arm) yhea, and I'd like to take this-

Mustang: (sarcastically) you're not lee position you leaving are you? Because you know that even if you do have the philosophers stone, you still need money, and its highly forbidden to transmute any sort of currency…

Ed: O.O (I never though about that)

Mustang: and the position you have here isn't to bad either, dogs get paid big bucks and benefits you know…

Ed: Fff-fine! But I'm tacking a huge vacation!

Mustang: (grinning) fine… I'll be waiting…fullmetal…

Ed: (glares at mustang) I hate you (transmutes mustang's desk into a man-eating plant via philosophers stone) then walks out the door

Man eating plant: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHKKKK!

Mustang: HOLY SON OF A-

(in the hallway outside mustang's office)

Hues: hey ed, nice looking arm!

Ed: thanks! No new pictures?

Hues: nah, apparently when they say 1-hour photo, it only applies to one or two rolls of film, so this weekend's batch might take awhile. Oh, by the way my horoscope yesterday said I was gonna die soon but this morning's one just said "never mind…" isn't that odd?

Ed: (perplexed) yhea that is weird, well see ya.

Hues: bye!

On his supposed "vacation" Ed and Al decided to go back to Resinbol

(at the Pinoko residence)

Winery: he you guys are back soo- ohmygosh! AL'S BACK

Al: (giggle)

Ed: yhea I guess your out of business, we found the rock alright. Which reminds me.. (bends down on one knee and holds out a ring.) will you- you know.. Merry me?

Al: (shocked and appalled)

Winrey: I-I- don' know what to say… except… what's up with the ring?

(the ring Ed's holding has a gray stone instead of a diamond.)

Ed: (smiles) it's polished steel, I'd thought you'd like it.

END OF CHAPTER 1

didn't see that one coming now didja! Im gonna make another chapter about a;; the fun he has with the stone and all that, but in the meantime, PLEASE REVIEW, IF YOU LIKED THIS FIC!


	2. Chapter 2

What if part 2

But first, review reviews from the author; Hieigod064

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS

Seriously! I'm only used to getting hate-mail or spell-check hate-mail, possibly one or two people who actually LIKED it. But this time I got a whopping 8 reviews telling me that they LOVED the story! Some said that they nearly fell off their chairs! Frankly, I'm touched! Thanks again to those people who reviewed!

Disclaimer: Hieigod064 does not own any Fullmetal Alchemist related titles or ideas nor does he own anything within this story.

A renewed Al busted through an automatic door, letting in a cloud of fog. The door led him to a cave/ laboratory that resembled the Bat-cave. Al was carrying an orange and black striped kitten above his head

Al: BBBBBBBBBBBRRRRROOOTHER! I found a new kitten for us to love and care for! (he yelled as he ran)

Ed: (turned around in a gigantic spiny chair, you know the one batman sits in as he stares at his FRICKIN HUGE computer monitor) AL! I though I told you, no running in the Ed-cave!

Al: I though we were gonna call it the Elric-cave!

Ed: I CHANGED MY MIND!

Winery: (who is now Ed's wife) ( coming down the crooked-looking stairs) hey you two! Stop fighting!

Al: Winery! I found a new kitten!

Al and Winery: (simultaneously put their hands in the air) YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!

(the cat flies into the air, hit's the ground, goes into shock, and dies)

Winery: I think it's dead…

Al: (teary eyed) B-B-Brother….

Ed: good lord…. (transmutes cat via philosopher's stone)

Kitten: meow!

Al and Winery: (simultaneously put their hands in the air) YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!

Doorbell: DA DA DA DA DE!DA DA DA DA DE!DA DA DA DA DA DA! (Mexican hat dance)

Ed: AL! I'M CHANGING THIS GOD$#! DOORBELL

AL: NO DON'T I LIKE IT!

Ed: (opens the door) who the heck are you I'm a very busy and grumpy teenager.

Man: hi…uh...I used to live here….in this plot of land….

(Ed had rebuild the house then put an extension 4 times bigger than the original house behind it.)

Ed: who are you again?

Man: I'm Hohemheim Elri-

(Ed punches him in the face, knocking him to the ground)

Ed: you stupid (kick) sonofa#!$ where the &$#&-ing $#! were you all (punch to the face) this $#!-ing time you god $(stomp)#!

Hohemheim: (lying on the ground beaten and mangled) owie….

Al: (calling from the house) BROTHER IF THAT'S THE MAILMAN YOUR BOOK ISN'TSUPPOSED TO BE HERE FOR ANPTHER WEEK, SO YOU CAN STOP BEATING HIM UP!

Ed: HEY AL! HOW SHOULD WE KILL DAD!

Al: (still calling from the house) I'M KINDA PARTIAL TO SHOTGUNS!

Winery: (calling from another part of the house) MAYBE YOU SHOULD LET HIM EXPLIN HIMSELF BEFOE YOU CONDEM HIM!

Ed: SAWED-OFF OR REGULAR AL?

Al: EITHER ONE IT DOSEN'T MATTER!

Hohemheim: Wait! Wait! Wait!

Ed: why should I? (pumps shotgun)

Hohemheim: one night, we ran out of milk so I went to the Seven-Eleven across the street, unfortunately I was hit by a George Forman grill that fell off the top shelf and got amnesia! So I worked as a construction worker for all this time. But just recently, a support beam fell, hit me in the head, and I got my memory back and came here. But when I arrived here I got the tar beaten out of me.

Ed: Hey there IS a seven eleven across the street! I never noticed before!

Al: (who is now outside) wow, even I knew that brother…

Hohemheim: who's that?

Ed: that's Alphonse don't you remember?

Hohemheim: oh the adopted one!

Ed and Al: WHAT!

Al: I'm a-a-adopted! WAHHHHHHHHHHH! (runs inside the house)

Hohemheim: I was only kidding….

Ed: (pumps shotgun with an evil look in his eye)

Hohemheim: whoa, whoa it was a JOKE!

Ed: (bang)

Hohemheim: (dodging the shot) HOLY $#!

Winery: (walking outside) ED! Al locked himself in his room and crying as if he's gonna die then I heard that gun shot and- (looks at Hohemheim) who's he?

Hohemheim: I'm Ed and Al's father; Hohemheim, who might you be?

Winery: I was their neighbor, but not now I'm Ed's wife.

Hohemheim: HOLY #&! YOUR MARRIED, B-BUT YOUR ONLY LIKE SIXTEEN!

Ed: and you're a dead-man what's your point?

Winery: hmmm… maybe we should go inside and talk….

(inside)

Hohemheim: I cant believe I missed your wedding!

Ed: oh don't worry about it, you also missed a lot of stuff (starts talking fast and counting on his fingers) our first transmutations, mom dying, mom's funeral, us being trained by Izumi, us attempting to revive mom, Al being put into a suit of armor and me getting automail limbs, burning down the house, us leaving Reisonbol, me finding out that I can transmute without a circle, me being a state alchemist, all my state alchemist missions, us finding the philosopher's stone, me reviving our bodies, me proposing to Winery, rebuilding the house, the wedding, and my best-selling autobiography; "_alchemy and auto-mail_"

Hohemheim: wow…

Al: (with five o'clock shadow, supposedly balding, and barely dressed in PJ pants and a stained over-shirt passing by eating a gallon of ice-cream) oh hello, step brother, step father, and my step-brothers wife….I'm off to mope in my room for awhile…

Ed: Al… your not adopted…. It was one of his sick jokes….

Al: Oh…. Well…. Um…. I'm gonna get cleaned up and head over to the pawn shop to get my stuff back….yeah… bye!

Ed: (sigh) see what you did…

End of chapter 2

Just to let everyone know, I felt really bad about the whole adopted thing, so al soon as I wrote it I turned it around right after I wrote it. PLEASE KEEP SENDING REVIEWS! I'm probably going to make one or two more chapters after this, but I'm running out of idea's HINT HINT. PLEASE REVIEW!


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